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Hells Doorway
#1
Ok, so the rest of the family joined us in this far flung and interesting place. Turkmenistan is an interesting place and full of opportunity. So long as you can remain silent. It is one of the most censored countries in the world and very difficult to get into. You need visa support from an entity inside the country. Well no trip would be complete without a visit to the Karakum desert. The driest place on the planet. Temperatures can get as high as 123 degrees. Staying in a traditional Yurt (style of tent) and eating lamb sounded like a good plan, until it included camel rides. You may already know my dislike for these creatures. But I will reiterate they are the most disgusting animal I have ever tossed a leg over. 

Ok so after flights and air conditioned Range Rover delivery we awake in a nice six star hotel to jump into another Range Rover for the short delivery to the base camp. I was not read into the plans past basecamp. I imagine on purpose. 

Camel trip in the desert to a spring fed oasis, complete with Yurt and power from a constantly running diesel powered generator placed in what I believe was an old soviet area bunker. Ok so four hours on a camel learning about desert survival and flora and fauna not too bad, save the hacking and spitting camel. 

Dinner of BBQ lamb and potatoes done with anise and garlic. Local wine and spirits would have been a treat if I could drink. Still on antibiotics so…The local sour milk conncoction was passed around and I pretended to drink to be polite. Have no idea what it tastes like but it can get you drunk. How this is achieved via sour milk I have no idea. 

Darkness settled into the desert proper and the stars arrived to put on a show. This was interrupted by some local dancers and acts I failed to follow. The sounds of the desert predators whistled quietly and similar to the Mad Arab I could almost hear whisperings on the wind. 

“Hey Mr. C you awake?”

“I am now monster whats the malfunction?” 

“I have to take a piss.” 

“You have to go pee; not take a piss. Why didn’t you wake up your mother?”

“My Dad says take a piss. You say it and Mom was sleeping. You were sitting up in your chair and your eyes were open. Were you considering 42?”

“Yes I was considering 42 (we have had this conversation prior about quiet time and chair sitting). Well the toilet it is right over there and your Dad and I are unwashed animals and you are a lady. Ladies need to use the toilet, not take a piss.” 

“Ok I need to use the toilet and I don’t want to use that one as it is in the room and I am not entirely sure who is and is not awake. I don’t want to go outside by myself because you told me not to and I am afraid of the Camel non-spider. Can we bring the towel and do the squat thing?”

We had learned earlier in the day that camel spiders were not huge as reported by Iraq soldiers, only six inches, and were in fact not a true spider. To me they looked like a big tick or perhaps a scorpion. “Ok Monster we can go outside.” 
“OK great I have my towel, you always say take your towel.”

“That’s right Monster always take your towel.” I pull out the 10mm H&K as it has a nice disco style light under it and, towels in tow, head out of the Yurt. The darkness is almost complete and the carpet of stars get both of our attention. 

“Do you think the Gate of Hell thing we're going to see tomorrow was a gas drilling accident by the Russians or a meteorite?” 

“Not sure, no one will know for sure Russians and meteorites keep the best secrets.” I answer shining the “Flashlight “ left and right. We move only a little way from the tent entrance and Monster wraps herself in the towel and assumes the learned bush squat position. 

From our left we hear a horrible sound from one of the camels. I spin my light toward the noise and it continues and approaches. I see a camel frothing at the mouth and grunting and snorting like it is trying to cough up a basketball. It is tossing it head around and kind of hoping. My immediate thought is the thing is rabid. 

Pee finished and modesty forgotten I feel two hands grab my leg and a scared voice; “Mr. C!”

So as the creature was facing me I put a shot under its chest and between its legs. The bugle snort noise gets worse, the animal rears back and then crashes to the ground. Convulsing the shrill bugle of the thing wakes up London and then it stops moving. 

The camp is now awake and there is a great deal of running around and chatter from the local guides. Our guide from the capitol comes out and so does my employer. 

“The camel was crazy Dad and Mr. C had to shoot it or it would have trampled us.” Got to love children that have your back no questions asked. I am still stunned as I know I didn’t hit it in the chest and I am thinking the foul creature had a heart attack. 

Monster is taken inside and raised voices alert me that something may be up. A circle of men are around the guide from the capitol, he is a different ethnic background than the locals and voices are heated. I wander over. Slowly it becomes clear that the camel was actually horny and excited by another camel, it had slipped its bonds and was simply trying to get some midnight action. Distracted by the light it had moved in our direction exhibiting the well know and easily understood horny camel behavior. Not knowing anything about Camel Husbandry I had mistaken the behavior as rabid or aggressive. 

It turned out that my warning shot had indeed just missed the chest of the creature but the down angle and, well, excited nature of the beast had in truth impacted the camels, rather horse like member. The beast had suffered significant damage to said swollen member and suffered significant blood loss and perished. In truth I didn’t feel bad, I expected I should and this left me in a bit of a quandary. So I really didn’t know how to answer the English spoken question when it registered in my brain. “Why did you shoot my camel in his pecker?” 

All eyes were on me…

From the tent door. “Because it disturbed Mr C when he was thinking and trying to relax. He gets very angry when he gets woken up from not sleeping. 

All eyes on her. Some quick translation ensues. 

All eyes back on me. 

“Are we done here? Add the fucking camel to the bill.”  

Eyes drop to my hand, and I realize I am still holding the weapon. 

eyes back to the little girl, and crowd disperses. 

“(Girls name) get back inside this instant.” She tosses me a thumbs up and disappears inside. 

Comrades in arms come in the oddest packages! 
Beast Master,JunkyMonkey,Drinks with Wolves,Fup'd Duck,Sheriff Ricochet Cockroach 4B's 1 cluster,3 TFMS Tempory Weirdo Overlord replacement 
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#2
We are accepting nominations for a new name

BWAHahahaha!!!!
Compared to parenting, Cat herding is less complicated 
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#3
Oh hell Scott!!! What a night!
monkeyfoot
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#4
What a misadventure and comrades in arms are the best in unknown packages. An adventure you nor she will forget ;-)
Smile, laugh, it's free and makes others wonder what you are up too
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  • Scott7022 (10-07-2019)
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#5
ohhhhhh my my my my

And you expect me to behave
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#6
GREAT kid! Maybe you should keep her.
One gloriously stinkin' badge.
ROOIRIA
FULL MONTY!!!!
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#7
You have one hell of an imagination if this is not true. She is a keeper for sure.
Brian

2000 Roadtrek 200 Versatile "The Beast" (it has been tamed hopefully)  I feed it and it doesn't bite me.   Angel
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  • Scott7022 (10-08-2019)
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#8
This was as it happened. She is a doll but I really don't like children much. Besides her father would have me killed within a week, ten days max. She is just used to me and we've bonded more than I like. "One day this is all gonna end" going to be a bad day for monster I believe.
Beast Master,JunkyMonkey,Drinks with Wolves,Fup'd Duck,Sheriff Ricochet Cockroach 4B's 1 cluster,3 TFMS Tempory Weirdo Overlord replacement 
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  • heron (10-07-2019)
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#9
I'M THINKIING THAT ON "THAT DAY"  THE MONSTER JUST MIGHT NOT BE THE ONLY PERSON HAVING A BAD DAY.  THEN AGAIN I COULD BE WRONG.  I HAVE BEEN A FEW TIMES   Wink

JEWELLANN
I WAS NOT BUILT TO BREAK  
                  
         MY  Heart  IS GOOD....BUT OH THIS MOUTH
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#10
That kid will have great stories to tell around the campfire.
Compared to parenting, Cat herding is less complicated 
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