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Manny the Merc and the Bazzar
#1
The long day, exotic location, and more exotic food all combined to put the two little creatures on their perspective chin straps. With one curled up on the floor and the other snoring loudly in the other recliner. They had a good day, met children there own age and interacted in a culture-sensitive to differences, and both did well. It was hot as in over 40, and the water Nazi was on them both very hard today. Snippets of the day's conversation. 
"Mr S quick come inside I need to show you something!"
I am thinking great a snake in the toilet. In I go to see what the little creature wants to show me.
"See I am peeing clear. That is good right?"
"Yes, that is good."
"(Brothers name) are you clear or yellow?"
"Clear" From the other stall.
"Triple C remember our privacy issue talk?" 
"Yes but this was an emergency. A double emergency."
"Ok why a double emergency?"
"It hurts a little."
"When you pee?" 
"No, my underwear is cutting me. Look!" 
"Ah, I see. It isn't cutting you, but the sweat is irritating you. Put your underwear in your pocket and go commando." 
"Is that ok and what is going commando?" 
"It is fine, not wearing underwear is going commando." 
"You used to not wear underwear too?"
"What?"
"I heard Dad say you used to be a special commando to Mom one time."
"Ah yes I used to especially not wear underwear."
"But your friend with the British accent, you know the one that got us the guns he wears underwear."
"WhaWhy do you think that?"
"The tattoo on his arm said so." 
"Huh?"
Rolling her eyes. "Here, my dress doesn't have pockets. His tattoo said 'No God, No War, Not Special'. So he doesn't go commando."
"I think we are talking a great deal too much about other peoples underwear habits. This is one of those privacy topics we discussed."
"Ok. I just don't get how I am supposed to understand all this stuff if it is all private."
"Yeah the CIA has the same problem." 
"What?"
"Do you want some Kalfi?"
"What is Kalfi? Is it like coffee?"
"It is like Ice Cream."
"YES!" Spoken in a chorus and signalling an end to my discomfort. 

This awkward discomfort break would soon be shattered. 

Off to Misson critical exercise two. Finding a birthday gift for Mom. They each had fifty dollars and had decided earlier to combine their money and buy one gift together. 

The market was a moving mass of commerce. The exposed wares on sale and display hinted at what might be available behind the elaborate brocade curtains, and away from prying eyes. This was far from a 'for tourist market' and while I didn't know the going price for a cute little blond girl or boy some of those eyes suggested that they did. My icy stare cut these calculations short, or so I hoped. I allowed my shirt to ride up over my pistol and put it on display to discourage the stupid opportunists. The police presence was minimal, and I doubted 20 USD would be required to overlook the display. Despite passing a few, no one asked for tea money. 

The veiled lady was dancing in a very seductive manner, and her costume was in all honesty very elaborate. A gold and red fabric bikini, with semi-precious stones and coins of gold, dangled and chimed. It caught my attention and the attention of my charges. 
"Mom would love that!" Chimed triple C.
"Yeah, it looks...Cool." Said her older brother. 
"Mr S do we have enough to get that?" 
I negotiated the sale of the outfit down from 300 USD to 100. The welling of little blue eyes when she was told 150 was his final price, and we didn't have enough tipped the scale. He said ok to 100, and I wondered if the tears were crocodile tears or real. Then my nightmare began in earnest. 
"Mr S what size is my Mom?"
"Ah...Well, small to medium bottoms will work. Say a size 6. The top I don't know. Why don't you call dad and ask." 
"OK" I hand her the phone. 
"Perhaps you should let your brother talk to Dad."
"Ah ok yeah, I get it privacy right?" 
"Exactly."
She hands the phone to her brother, and he calls. 
"Can I speak to Dad? Yeah, everything is fine, we are having a good time. Yes, Mr S is right here. Well, I can't tell you it is a secret, and I need to ask Dad a question. Well yes, you could tell me...But it is a secret...oh ok just a second." He cups the phone and hands it to his sister. "Dad is busy on the phone with Europe. You ask her." 
She takes the phone. "Hi, Mom...No everything is great. No No, not a secret just a privacy thing. I am not wearing any underwear. What size boobs do you have."  
BOOOM!
My immediate reaction is to grab the children and dive for cover. My hand went to the grip of the pistol. The words spun and sent spinning as 1's and 0's across the connection lost, and this was most certainly out of my skillset to manage. Pretend you didn't just hear that was the best the brain could come up with. 
"No NO we're just buying you a fancy swimsuit, and Mr S. said you were probably a six on the bottom and he had no idea what size you were for the top and I should call and ask Dad. Mr S thought (brothers name) should ask dad, so it was a private conversation and not amodest."
I fought the urge to correct the word she had learned a few days ago 'immodest'.
"mmm uh huh, ok, mm So D is a size? Ah ok, I will. Yeah ok. Ok ah huh. Sure I'll tell him. Ok. Yeah, he has them in his pocket as my dress doesn't have any. They were irritating me, so I am going commando. Ok sorry for spoiling the surprise. Yeah 36 D, I will tell him."
She hands me the phone, under my imaginary rock. "Mom says she is a 36 D and a size four on the bottom." 

"Awesome...Just awesome." 

         
Beast Master,JunkyMonkey,Drinks with Wolves,Fup'd Duck,Sheriff Ricochet Cockroach 4B's 1 cluster,3 TFMS
[-] The following 3 users say Thank You to Scott7022 for this post:
  • Cammalu (05-24-2018), GotSmart (05-24-2018), GypsyDogs (05-24-2018)
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#2
Kids are so funny!
monkeyfoot
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#3
Nothing like a child to get you in trouble. Being a man you can always play the “man” card and look helpless when “mom” looks sideways.
Please don’t feed the trolls 
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#4
Reminds me of the time my daughter took three girls under the age of 6 bra shopping. The baby was oblivious. The 6 year old was looking for stuff like Scott mentioned above. The 4 year old grabbed a 42D, sat quietly in the cart and held it next to her cheek and sucked her thumb. My daughter didn’t notice until she was in the check out lane and the clerk wanted to know if my daughter was buying the bra in the clutches of the 4 year old. No she didn’t want to buy it and extracted it by prying it out of her fists... The 4 year old let out a blood curdling cry getting the attention of the whole store and choked out in her clearest speech ever, “NO mommy, that bra is for YOU! WAH”
[-] The following 1 user says Thank You to Snikwahjm for this post:
  • Scott7022 (05-25-2018)
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